PEEKING FROM BENEATH MY TINFOIL HAT

Like a lot of writers, I’m a big fan of conspiracy theories. Not because I actually believe any of them. But because they so perfectly exemplify the “What if…” premise that begins the formation of every good story.

Apparently, mass tragedies like 9/11, the Boxing Day Tsunami and most assassinations so disrupt the foundations some people cling to that “Shit Happens” just isn’t an acceptable explanation. They need to believe that some dark force planted demolition charges, was testing low frequency weapons or paid the New Orleans mob to accomplish a shadowy, despicable plan for world domination.

During one of my sojourns in LA, an insomniac neighbor turned me on to “Coast to Coast” the late night syndicated radio show, then hosted by Art Bell and now by George Noory, which explores all aspects of the supernatural and the unexplained as well as the conspiratorial goals of the mysterious “They”.

It became one of my favorite diversions, one to be especially savored during late night drives in the middle of nowhere.

Thanks to “Coast-to-Coast”, I know enough about the Bilderbergers, Shape shifters, Ghost Walkers and UFO bases under the South Pole to realize that if even a handful of “them” were real, they’d be seriously getting in each others way at subduing or victimizing humanity.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve also never seen any group of more than three that was able to keep a secret.

But every now and then, one of the theories I’ve heard on “Coast-to-Coast” collides with current events and I begin to wonder “What if…”

Tuesday morning I woke to a radio report that Canadian Governor General Michaelle Jean had partaken of raw seal during a visit to Rankin Inlet, which is in our Arctic Territory of Nunavut (next door to our other Northern Territory Therestavut).

My first reaction was “Eeeew!” and then the newsreader went on to describe the Queen’s representative specifically asking for a chunk of the animal’s barely lifeless heart.

An image immediately leapt to mind, one that had absolutely shocked me when I first saw it -- that moment in the 1984 series “V” when friendly and attractive alien visitor “Diana”, played by Jane Badler, suddenly unhinges her jaw and swallows a live Guinea Pig.

As any Sci-fi fan knows, this moment reveals the true nature of the peaceful, helpful visitors (they’re really lizards) and their Earthly agenda (eating us).

Years after she’d freaked the crap out of me, I had the pleasure of meeting Ms. Badler when she guested on “The Lost World”, the TV series Peter Mohan and I created. She described how that one moment made her an instant International sensation, eliciting contact by several fans insistent that lizard people really did live among us.

Then as Tuesday’s news report went into detail of the Seal swallowing, the Vice-Regal bloodstained hands, the eager participation in gutting the animal, the gushing gastronomic review “It tastes like Sushi” -- I suddenly remembered a guy I’d heard on “Coast to Coast” by the name of David Icke.

In a theory that lives up to his surname, Icke believes that the human race is ruled and controlled by the Illuminati; in his reality, a race of reptilian humanoids that includes George W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth, Kris Kristofferson and Boxcar Willie – all of whom can shape-shift after consuming human flesh.

Now on the face of it, Icke’s hypothesis is patently absurd, Kristofferson being the most obvious weak link in his chain of logic.  I mean, seriously dude, any lizard who toured as often as Kris does with Willie Nelson would have long ago been turned into a nice pair of boots.

But “What if…” there’s some truth to Icke’s premise?

I mean, Princess Diana told friends she’d seen the Royal family shape shift and Corgis are almost bite-sized and Michaelle Jean is the Queen’s representative in Canada.

And while the Governor General may have been letting the Ruskies know what they’re up against if they try challenging our Arctic sovereignty; the official story is that she chowed down on an Inuit delicacy to show solidarity in the face of the impending European Union ban on Canadian slaughtered seal products.

EXCEPT:

The EU had already issued an exception for seals hunted by Canadian aboriginal tribes. So the Governor General didn’t have to eat the little sea mammal’s still warm heart…

Which means…

Oh My God…She Wanted To!!!!

There she was on her hands and knees, wallowing in the blood and gobbets of flayed flesh and her lizard mind just took over!

Wait! Wait! Get a grip! I’m getting carried away here.

The Governor General has been to the Arctic 5 times before this. She’s never gutted a seal or even harpooned one once in all that time, let alone carved out its heart. If she really were a reptilian, surely we’d have seen some proof of such blood lust on one of those other Northern sojourns.

Although -- they say there are a lot fewer Polar bears than there were when she came to office…

No, this is just too twisted to be the reasoned action of a normal person. Admit it, the woman really is a little strange. She’s hot and exotic and married to an ugly old white guy for starters. I mean, what’s up with that?

And she specifically asked "Could I try the heart?". Nobody offered it. Hell, any Newfoundlander will tell you the best part of a seal is the flipper. That’s what any sea mammal gastronome serves up to honored guests.

Only deranged Ugandan dictators and Mayan Priests bent on ruling their people through fear have hungered for an organ that doesn’t taste anything like sushi.

No wonder an EU spokeswoman has already called the event "too bizarre to acknowledge." and Gawker.com used it to elevate our Vice Regal’s status to “The Sarah Palin of Canada”.

Do they have any idea how insulted some people at the CBC are going to be by that comparison?!? It’ll be Greg Gutfeld and Billy Bob Thornton all over again. We’ll have Monarchists on “Cross Country Check-Up” describing which fork Royal protocol requires for still bleeding bits of flesh.

And others in the Canadian milieu might connect some other dots… Sarah Palin –> Ultra-Conservative –> Stephen Harper –> Granted a Career saving Prorogue of Parliament by –> Governor General Michael Jean.

And as those connect-the-dotters will tell you – Stephen Harper is Bush Lite and Bush is a Reptilian and…

…one can only wonder who’s next on the menu at Rideau Hall.